Today's Joke

I asked the optician about myopia today, but he dismissed it - that seems rather short-sighted.

Today's Joke

There was a lot of extra splints used in the hospital; no-one knows who's to blame, but there's a lot of finger pointing.

Today's Joke

I've been working hard trying to get Thursday renamed supercalifragilisticexpialidociousday. It's a very long day.

Today's Joke

I invented a video game based on the Hokey Cokey. I took it to Dragons' Den; one Dragon was in, then out, then shook it all about.

Today's Joke

All the lawyers in history are giving the next generation a bad name.

Today's Joke

I tried to photocopy a mirror and created a recursion error.

Bonus Joke

As I missed a day with a cold last week:

You know why 3D TVs are so expensive; it's a depth charge.

Today's Joke

It may be a small world, but when you lose your keys you want to know where they were closer than "in the world".

Today's Joke

Ganb. That's bang out of order.

Today's Joke

Missed some days!

Met a very dashing orthopedic surgeon; turned a few heads.

Eson; no need to turn your nose up.

Today's Joke

Brains; can't get them out of my head.

Today's Joke

There's more to contact lenses than meets the eye.

Today's Joke

Condiment dieters; do they really cut the mustard?

Today's Joke

Saw someone with a pack of giant playing cards; big deal.

Today's Joke

There's a special branch of the police to detect unacceptable substances being posted; they've begun to scent blood.

Today's Joke

I'd thought of a way to write on a blackboard from the back of the class room. It didn't work though; not by a long chalk.

Today's Joke

Scientist have found there's some new bird parasites waiting in the wings.

Today's Joke

They say laughter's the best medicine; not if you've overdosed on nitrous oxide it's not.

Today's Joke

Had a joke about fingers, but it's a bit near the knuckle.

Today's Joke

There's a plan to use see through skin to make surgery easier; "glass" skin eh? Could be a pane in the neck.

Today's Joke

First version of the Star Wars had Anikin Skywalker as a sailor who took a job working for the harbour board; he turned to the dockside.

Today's Joke

I enjoy giving gifts of compressed woollen materials. I like to make my presents felt.

Today's Joke

Missed a day!

New definition: Ice Cream; a horror film made by Apple.

Today's Joke

Inventions waiting to be made...

Telephone questioning machine.
Rail timetables for people who like the quiet; they show when trains aren't travelling.

Today's Joke

Definition:

idol; a boring product by Apple.

Today's Joke

I need to invent a new card game and make it snappy.

Today's Joke

I know someone who thinks he's Humpty Dumpty standing on his head; I think he's cracking up.

Today's Joke

Getting into high tech stationery; pushing the envelope.

Today's Joke

Shoe laces; they keep body and sole together.

Today's Joke

I just can't remember the opening words of Hamlet's soliloquy. Thought I had it, but it's not to be.

Today's Joke

Someone said I should become a contortionist; but I don't want to stick my neck out.

Today's Joke

Let's save some ink by getting rid of words beginning with "W"; waste not, want not.

Today's Joke

Genuine questions asked on Radio 4:

Roy Plumley asked Paul McCartney, "Has music been important in your life?"

David Gower (whilst captain of England and who'd just won the Ashes) explained that he'd chosen cricket over completing a law degree. Roy Plumley asked, "Do you think you made the right choice?"

On the Today programme: "Are you expecting any surprises today?"

Today's Joke

Make no bones about it, I prefer invertebrates.

Today's Joke

Just bought a cordless hedge trimmer; just what I need for my battery powered hedge.

Today's Joke

Definition:

Eye-opener; a device to open a computer made by Apple.

Today's Joke

I don't like the odds; quite like the evens.

Today's Joke

Piece of paper went into a bar; the barman said, “What do you want?”, the paper said, “I don’t know, I’m slightly torn.”

Today's Joke

Sat-navs have started getting better; they’ve really turned a corner.

Today's Joke

I'm not a very good swimmer; one day I might find out what the problem is, but I'm not holding my breath.

Today's Joke

Trousers. How come they only come in pairs?

Today's Joke

The local builder's merchant is very enigmatic. I asked if he had something to enable me to reach the first floor of a building from the ground. He gave me a long stair.

Today's Joke

I don't see why Frankenstein had such a bad press; if I knew someone planning to create a giant creature I think they deserve applause - I'd give them a big hand.

Today's Joke

So what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a snooker player?

A queue jumper.

Today's Joke

I had a disastrous naval career. It wasn't my fault; I was in charge of the rum ration, and I was told to run a tight ship.

Today's Joke

If they ever get androids that use organic logic, they'll be affected by alcohol - whole new meaning to "well-oiled machine."

Today's Joke

I seem to be the only person who thinks that great minds think alike.

Today's Joke

Someone nearly stole my watch; caught them in the nick of time.

Today's Joke

Someone tried to copy Disney's most famous character; now that's really taking the mickey.

Today's Joke

I've just been reading about the history of magic. I thought about starting at chapter 1, but no. That's the oldest trick in the book.

Today's Joke

Definition:

Eyelid - a cover for an Apple computer.

Today's Joke

I thought about interfering with the local water production, but I decided to leave well alone.

Today's Joke

Definition:

Eyebrows - a system for looking at things designed by Apple.

Today's Joke

I've been studying geometry recently; I'm starting to see another side to Möbius strips.

Today's Joke

I washed some clothes pegs today; had a real problem deciding what to hang them up with.

Today's Joke

I've been thinking about getting a sat-nav. But on the other hand, how often do I want drive to a satellite.

Today's Joke

There's a brilliant inventor who's come up with Teflon coated night lights. Can't hold a candle to him.

Today's Joke

New definition:

catastrophe - a punctuation mark that indicates that the cat possesses something.

Today's Joke

'Theb'

That's half the battle.

Today's Joke

Just spotted a big black bird. That's something to crow about.

Today's Joke

My nickname at school was "superglue"; I don't know why, someone called me that once and it just stuck.

Today's Joke

I think I've thought of the hardest way to pick one's nose; at least I think it's the hardest way - fingers crossed.

Today's Joke

Few years ago, everyone was getting an ear stud. Nowadays, the fad is to get one made of lead - you've got to keep your ear close to the ground.

Today's Joke

Spell check, we have a porblem.

Today's Joke

I used to hate chemistry until I discovered sulphuric acid and that really melted my heart.

Today's Joke

Butchers are racking their brains to store offal.

Today's Joke

Genuine Headlines:

• Man shot in head sneezes out bullet.
• Man marries pillow.
• Attorney accidentally sues himself.
• Army vehicle disappears after being painted with camouflage.
• One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

Today's Joke

The people behind Dolly the sheep have now produced a soprano version; that's really raised the baa.

Today's Joke

Had a terrible time today; confused my aftershave with Viagra. Still, stiff upper lip.

Today's Joke

A cure for hay fever; that's not to be sneezed at.

Today's Joke

I'm always interested in odd plastic surgery experiments. Anything about that, I'm all ears.

Today's Joke

Our doctor's started delivering organic fruit and vegetables; I'm using the service - an apple a day keeps the doctor...here.

Today's Joke

I stayed in a very small camp site, but I didn't like it. The atmosphere was too tense.

Today's Joke

Llew.

That's well out of order.

Today's Joke

I'm one of twins; I'm the identical one.

Today's Joke

Some more definitions:

microwave; my pet crow greeting someone
microsoft; my pet crow getting sentimental

Today's Joke

I've decided to store my computer in the freezer.

You can't argue with cold logic.

Today's Joke

I love shopping at the pound shop. If I had a pound for each item I'd bought...

Today's Joke

I noticed someone doing their maths homework and they kept using a minus sign instead of a plus. Eventually I had to interrupt and change it; I think I may have crossed a line though.

Today's Joke

I wish I'd spent more time learning how to adjust clocks properly. Still, can't turn the clock back.

Today's Joke

Strange but true; to read a PDF file, you need the Adobe PDF reader, the terms and conditions for using Adobe PDF reader are held in a PDF file.

Today's Joke

There's a controversial plastic surgeon I've heard about; he's raised a few eyebrows.

Today's Joke

It's funny, I've read all the Harry Potter books, and the only time I thought "that's ridiculous" is when they found a parking space in the Charing Cross Road.

Today's Joke

There's a terrifying plan to grow an extra nose on the back of someone's head. And it's all done under a tight deadline; I wouldn't like that breathing down my neck.

Today's Joke

I try and regularly save all my computer work, but the program I use is so annoying – it really gets my backup.

Today's Joke

Yet more definitions:

Oarsman; could be a "sman".

Bedecked; punched a nectar gathering insect.

Today's Joke

More definitions:

Needy - quite like a knee.
Needing - a doorbell for the knee.

Today's Joke

More new definitions:

Percent: the smell of a happy cat.
Lighthouse: a dwelling built from low calorie bricks.

Today's Joke

I sometimes think that I could give it all up and go into honey production; it's good to have a plan bee.

Today's Joke

I was tempted to try ski jumping once; but it's a very slippery slope.

Today's Joke

I've written a book on the history of vapourware; it was due out two years ago.

Today's Joke

We should all mark today as National Mirror Day; it's a time for reflection.

Today's Joke

I saw a really upmarket TV today; it had an aloof control.

Today's Joke

Baah Baah Baah Baah!

That's easy for ewe to say.

Today's Joke

Some more definitions:

Needy; quite like a knee.

Percent; mail order cat.

Today's Joke

I saw a gadget in the supermarket with a sign saying, "This will make all brooms obsolete."

That's a bit of a sweeping statement.

Today's Joke

I remember the terrible days of the miners' strike; all those blind snowmen.

Today's Joke

I hear scientists have created a giant clone of Albert Einstein.

That's not big and it's not clever.

Today's Joke

New definitions:


"conduct" - deceive an aquatic bird.


"eye wash" - a bathroom designed by Apple.