Today's Joke

The people behind Dolly the sheep have now produced a soprano version; that's really raised the baa.

Today's Joke

Had a terrible time today; confused my aftershave with Viagra. Still, stiff upper lip.

Today's Joke

A cure for hay fever; that's not to be sneezed at.

Today's Joke

I'm always interested in odd plastic surgery experiments. Anything about that, I'm all ears.

Today's Joke

Our doctor's started delivering organic fruit and vegetables; I'm using the service - an apple a day keeps the doctor...here.

Today's Joke

I stayed in a very small camp site, but I didn't like it. The atmosphere was too tense.

Today's Joke

Llew.

That's well out of order.

Today's Joke

I'm one of twins; I'm the identical one.

Today's Joke

Some more definitions:

microwave; my pet crow greeting someone
microsoft; my pet crow getting sentimental

Today's Joke

I've decided to store my computer in the freezer.

You can't argue with cold logic.

Today's Joke

I love shopping at the pound shop. If I had a pound for each item I'd bought...

Today's Joke

I noticed someone doing their maths homework and they kept using a minus sign instead of a plus. Eventually I had to interrupt and change it; I think I may have crossed a line though.

Today's Joke

I wish I'd spent more time learning how to adjust clocks properly. Still, can't turn the clock back.

Today's Joke

Strange but true; to read a PDF file, you need the Adobe PDF reader, the terms and conditions for using Adobe PDF reader are held in a PDF file.

Today's Joke

There's a controversial plastic surgeon I've heard about; he's raised a few eyebrows.

Today's Joke

It's funny, I've read all the Harry Potter books, and the only time I thought "that's ridiculous" is when they found a parking space in the Charing Cross Road.

Today's Joke

There's a terrifying plan to grow an extra nose on the back of someone's head. And it's all done under a tight deadline; I wouldn't like that breathing down my neck.

Today's Joke

I try and regularly save all my computer work, but the program I use is so annoying – it really gets my backup.

Today's Joke

Yet more definitions:

Oarsman; could be a "sman".

Bedecked; punched a nectar gathering insect.

Today's Joke

More definitions:

Needy - quite like a knee.
Needing - a doorbell for the knee.

Today's Joke

More new definitions:

Percent: the smell of a happy cat.
Lighthouse: a dwelling built from low calorie bricks.

Today's Joke

I sometimes think that I could give it all up and go into honey production; it's good to have a plan bee.

Today's Joke

I was tempted to try ski jumping once; but it's a very slippery slope.

Today's Joke

I've written a book on the history of vapourware; it was due out two years ago.

Today's Joke

We should all mark today as National Mirror Day; it's a time for reflection.

Today's Joke

I saw a really upmarket TV today; it had an aloof control.

Today's Joke

Baah Baah Baah Baah!

That's easy for ewe to say.

Today's Joke

Some more definitions:

Needy; quite like a knee.

Percent; mail order cat.

Today's Joke

I saw a gadget in the supermarket with a sign saying, "This will make all brooms obsolete."

That's a bit of a sweeping statement.