Today's Joke

Piece of paper went into a bar; the barman said, “What do you want?”, the paper said, “I don’t know, I’m slightly torn.”

Today's Joke

Sat-navs have started getting better; they’ve really turned a corner.

Today's Joke

I'm not a very good swimmer; one day I might find out what the problem is, but I'm not holding my breath.

Today's Joke

Trousers. How come they only come in pairs?

Today's Joke

The local builder's merchant is very enigmatic. I asked if he had something to enable me to reach the first floor of a building from the ground. He gave me a long stair.

Today's Joke

I don't see why Frankenstein had such a bad press; if I knew someone planning to create a giant creature I think they deserve applause - I'd give them a big hand.

Today's Joke

So what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a snooker player?

A queue jumper.

Today's Joke

I had a disastrous naval career. It wasn't my fault; I was in charge of the rum ration, and I was told to run a tight ship.

Today's Joke

If they ever get androids that use organic logic, they'll be affected by alcohol - whole new meaning to "well-oiled machine."

Today's Joke

I seem to be the only person who thinks that great minds think alike.

Today's Joke

Someone nearly stole my watch; caught them in the nick of time.

Today's Joke

Someone tried to copy Disney's most famous character; now that's really taking the mickey.

Today's Joke

I've just been reading about the history of magic. I thought about starting at chapter 1, but no. That's the oldest trick in the book.

Today's Joke

Definition:

Eyelid - a cover for an Apple computer.

Today's Joke

I thought about interfering with the local water production, but I decided to leave well alone.

Today's Joke

Definition:

Eyebrows - a system for looking at things designed by Apple.

Today's Joke

I've been studying geometry recently; I'm starting to see another side to Möbius strips.

Today's Joke

I washed some clothes pegs today; had a real problem deciding what to hang them up with.

Today's Joke

I've been thinking about getting a sat-nav. But on the other hand, how often do I want drive to a satellite.

Today's Joke

There's a brilliant inventor who's come up with Teflon coated night lights. Can't hold a candle to him.

Today's Joke

New definition:

catastrophe - a punctuation mark that indicates that the cat possesses something.

Today's Joke

'Theb'

That's half the battle.

Today's Joke

Just spotted a big black bird. That's something to crow about.

Today's Joke

My nickname at school was "superglue"; I don't know why, someone called me that once and it just stuck.

Today's Joke

I think I've thought of the hardest way to pick one's nose; at least I think it's the hardest way - fingers crossed.

Today's Joke

Few years ago, everyone was getting an ear stud. Nowadays, the fad is to get one made of lead - you've got to keep your ear close to the ground.

Today's Joke

Spell check, we have a porblem.

Today's Joke

I used to hate chemistry until I discovered sulphuric acid and that really melted my heart.

Today's Joke

Butchers are racking their brains to store offal.

Today's Joke

Genuine Headlines:

• Man shot in head sneezes out bullet.
• Man marries pillow.
• Attorney accidentally sues himself.
• Army vehicle disappears after being painted with camouflage.
• One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.