Today's Joke

Brains; can't get them out of my head.

Today's Joke

There's more to contact lenses than meets the eye.

Today's Joke

Condiment dieters; do they really cut the mustard?

Today's Joke

Saw someone with a pack of giant playing cards; big deal.

Today's Joke

There's a special branch of the police to detect unacceptable substances being posted; they've begun to scent blood.

Today's Joke

I'd thought of a way to write on a blackboard from the back of the class room. It didn't work though; not by a long chalk.

Today's Joke

Scientist have found there's some new bird parasites waiting in the wings.

Today's Joke

They say laughter's the best medicine; not if you've overdosed on nitrous oxide it's not.

Today's Joke

Had a joke about fingers, but it's a bit near the knuckle.

Today's Joke

There's a plan to use see through skin to make surgery easier; "glass" skin eh? Could be a pane in the neck.

Today's Joke

First version of the Star Wars had Anikin Skywalker as a sailor who took a job working for the harbour board; he turned to the dockside.

Today's Joke

I enjoy giving gifts of compressed woollen materials. I like to make my presents felt.

Today's Joke

Missed a day!

New definition: Ice Cream; a horror film made by Apple.

Today's Joke

Inventions waiting to be made...

Telephone questioning machine.
Rail timetables for people who like the quiet; they show when trains aren't travelling.

Today's Joke

Definition:

idol; a boring product by Apple.

Today's Joke

I need to invent a new card game and make it snappy.

Today's Joke

I know someone who thinks he's Humpty Dumpty standing on his head; I think he's cracking up.

Today's Joke

Getting into high tech stationery; pushing the envelope.

Today's Joke

Shoe laces; they keep body and sole together.

Today's Joke

I just can't remember the opening words of Hamlet's soliloquy. Thought I had it, but it's not to be.

Today's Joke

Someone said I should become a contortionist; but I don't want to stick my neck out.

Today's Joke

Let's save some ink by getting rid of words beginning with "W"; waste not, want not.

Today's Joke

Genuine questions asked on Radio 4:

Roy Plumley asked Paul McCartney, "Has music been important in your life?"

David Gower (whilst captain of England and who'd just won the Ashes) explained that he'd chosen cricket over completing a law degree. Roy Plumley asked, "Do you think you made the right choice?"

On the Today programme: "Are you expecting any surprises today?"

Today's Joke

Make no bones about it, I prefer invertebrates.

Today's Joke

Just bought a cordless hedge trimmer; just what I need for my battery powered hedge.

Today's Joke

Definition:

Eye-opener; a device to open a computer made by Apple.

Today's Joke

I don't like the odds; quite like the evens.